One hand on her heart and one foot out the door
by SkywalkerChild
Summary: Speculation as to why Callista left.


DISCLAIMER: George Lucas owns all. George Lucas is God. We worship George Lucas.  
RATING: PG or something  
Author's Note: This is sort of a prequel to my Nyneve Cycle, but it doesn't have to be.  
  
  
  
One Hand on Her Heart and One Foot out the Door.  
  
  
  
The air of Yavin IV was cool and damp, the sun having set hours ago. Callista stood on the top of one of the temples, staring out into   
the jungle. She knew the jungle was there, but she couldn't feel it. The Force was still gone from her; she didn't know if she'd ever have  
it again.  
  
But you have Luke. And isn't that what matters? Trapped in that computer for so long…and then there was Luke. He had heard her,   
listened to her, fallen in love with her. And she with him. It had been too long since she'd known love. At first though, she'd wondered   
about it. Did she love Luke, or just admire him for rescuing her? But no, she felt strongly for him. Deeply, passionately.   
  
Too passionately, sometimes she thought, grinning. Her back was still a little sore from the last time…She smiled to herself. But it  
felt right to be with Luke, and after so much time alone, who was she to argue with the Force?  
  
Not that you could if you wanted to, she said silently, sighing. She had forsaken the Force for a chance to be with Luke. She hadn't   
known the consequences of her actions; she hadn't realized they were dark. Had she known that her actions were "wrong," she doubted   
she would have done them. But to pass up a second life…no one really blamed her. Even Luke, the Jedi Master, didn't blame her.  
  
But every night, when she dreamed, she saw Cray's face. Her own face. The two images mingled and then Cray's image would break   
free, first smiling then screaming as the Eye of Palpatine shattered. She would wake up from those dreams and the look over at Luke,  
sleeping peacefully. Cray had given her life because she could not live without her lover; Callista had given the Force to try and be with   
Luke. So far, it had been worth it.  
  
The air was beginning to get to her, and she shivered, pulling her shawl tightly around her shoulders. She knew she should go back   
inside before Luke woke up and found her missing. He would turn the entire praxeum on its head to find her. It was infuriating how   
much he loved her sometimes, but it was wonderful to know that he did.   
  
Why had she come up here? Oh yes, to think. Luke's love for her was so large, she knew he would do anything to help her get her   
powers back. She wondered if it had occurred to him that she shouldn't get them back. After all, she had committed what most   
societies would consider a sin, and what the Force followers called a falling; she had used a dark side power. Not once but twice in her   
existence. The reborn emperor did the same thing numerous times, and they wanted him dead. But she did it for love, and so that made   
it okay? The questions had plagued her for too long.  
  
Time for bed, Callie, she said to herself. You can worry about this in the morning. She headed toward the door on the top of the temple   
and began her descent to her room. Their room. Even though Luke had said they would live separately in case the students ever needed   
him, Callista had fallen asleep in his room one too many nights not to consider them to be sharing a room. The students had all   
understood the arrangement, and always knocked before entering.  
  
In a place full of Jedi, the fact that Master Skywalker is having sex should not be news to anyone. They know better than to come by,   
she thought, letting herself smile as she opened the door to the room. Luke lie there in the bed, breathing lightly, most likely   
dreaming. Callista wished she could see those dreams, but that was another luxury she could not have. It was enough to be with him. So   
Callista slipped off her shawl and curled up next to the New Republic's Jedi Master.  
  
****  
  
"Callista, you have a com call," Tionne said from the doorway to the roof. "It's the Chief of State."  
Callista raised an eyebrow but stood slowly and nodded. She followed the bard down the stairs and to the communications room.   
Flicking a switch, Leia's face appeared on the wall.  
  
"Callista," she said, smiling. "It's good to see you again."  
  
"You too, Leia," she said. "I'm kind of surprised to hear from you though. Is there something I can do for you?"  
  
Leia chuckled. Even without the Force, this couldn't be disguised to Callista as a social call. "Yes, I'd like you to do something for me.   
It's about Luke."  
  
Callista nodded. "I figured as much; what is it?"  
  
"It's actually…well, it's a practical joke." Callista gave her a dubious look. "His birthday is coming up and well…Wedge and the Rogue   
Squadron guys gave me an idea…"  
  
Callista listened and then started laughing.  
  
****  
  
"Breathe in, and out. Regulate how fast your heart beats; take control of what your body is doing." Luke's voice was calm and cool as   
Callista and the other students sat in the lecture hall. They were all sitting on the ground, legs crossed, following his instructions.   
What he was doing was unconventional, taking on so many students for himself. But he didn't know how it had been done before the   
Empire. What would it have mattered if he had known? He was the only Jedi Master the universe knew of, so they would have to   
improvise on teaching the other Jedi.  
  
Stop it, Callie. You're thinking again. Stop thinking. She reprimanded herself, and tried focusing on her breathing again. She knew how   
to do this exercise, could do it in any situation. But she was a student again, a young padawan who didn't have the first clue as to how to   
use the Force. So she would be the student and try to learn the techniques, hoping she would get her powers back.  
  
"Now, reach out to the stones in front of you. No, Sentine, don't open your eyes. Use the Force and lift the stone off the ground."  
  
Callista could tell the students around her were doing just that. She could hear the clinking of the stones against each other as slowly,   
every student had a stone in the air. Every student but her. Callista focused on the stone she knew was before her, but she couldn't find   
it. There was nothing beyond the colors of light that played against her closed eyelids. She couldn't feel the warmth of it's energy, only   
a bleak emptiness.  
  
She would have cried if Luke weren't watching. He couldn't tell she was struggling because she refused to let the strain show   
physically. It was a trick she had learned decades ago, in order to psyche out her opponents in lightsabre training. If you didn't let them   
know you were tired, they'd wear themselves down. Opening her eyes slowly, she saw that the other students were still focused on   
their stones. She stood, casting one glance at Luke, and then walked out of the auditorium. Hopefully, he wouldn't notice she was   
missing for awhile and she would be able to get some more thinking done.  
  
"Callista?" A female voice sounded from behind her. Callista turned around and saw Mara Jade. She smiled at the smuggler woman,   
even if she didn't feel particularly jovial.  
  
"Mara. What can I do for you?"  
  
"I was just wondering if you could deliver something to Luke for me. I know he's teaching right now, and I don't know if he'll get out   
before I have to leave." Callista knew her eyes betrayed her suspicion. "Don't worry, it's just something he needs for the Academy. Tell   
him he can owe me." Mara tried to grin, but it was lost on the pensive woman.   
  
Callista nodded, taking the package from Mara. "No problem, I'll give it to him when I see him next."  
  
"Thank you," Mara said, turning to walk away. But she turned around again and caught up to Callista. "I have to ask you, Callista…about   
your powers…"  
  
Callista sighed. Too many conversations had started that way. "Yes, what is it?"  
  
"Is he worth it?" The other woman's face looked confused. "Skywalker, is he worth not having the Force?" Callista chuckled a bit and   
the Mara realized what she'd said. "No, I mean being with him, being in love. I don't like the Force much, but I think you might…"  
  
Callista silenced her with a hand motion. "A chance to be in love, or the Force? Think about that decision, Mara. Which one would you   
choose?"  
  
Mara shrugged. "I don't know. I've never been a fan of either."  
  
Callista gave a wry smile. "They both seem to be a lot of hassle, don't they?"  
  
Mara nodded. "That's why I don't bother making friends."  
  
Callista knew her next question would sound harsh, but she was genuinely interested. "What's it like not caring for anyone, not having   
to worry about anyone when you wake up in the morning?"   
  
Mara sighed. "Can I be honest with you?" The other woman nodded. "It's extremely lonely."  
  
****  
  
Callista woke up early. She sneaked out of bed and went down into the kitchen. Luke was always the first up, and would be eating   
breakfast before anyone else. With R2 D2's assistance, she dragged in the life-sized wookie doll Leia had sent and went to work.  
  
  
Luke awoke and found Callista curled up tightly next to him. He kissed her forehead and then slipped out of bed. He threw on a clean   
robe and then made his way to the kitchen.  
  
"Sithspawn!" he cursed loudly, opening the door to the stove area. A huge Wookie was standing there with a chef's hat and an apron. The   
sign in his paws was written in two unmistakable handwritings-those of his sister and Callista. He heard a giggling and turned around to   
see Callista standing there, trying to contain her laughter.   
  
Luke smiled. "Did Leia put you up to this?"  
  
Callista nodded, grinning. "How could I pass it up?"  
  
Luke hugged her. "Remind me to have a few words with her when I see her next."  
  
****  
  
Luke watched her from the doorway as she meditated on the cold stone floor. Cray's features had all but disappeared, and now she was  
the woman he remembered from the Eye-a strong woman, a beautiful woman. Callista. It was a beautiful name too. He was so lucky to  
have found her.  
  
But still, she did not have the Force. How long had they been trying? Weeks? Months maybe? Time had blurred as his life became  
focused on one thing-making Callista whole again.  
  
She opened her eyes after a few moments and jumped a little, seeing him in the doorway. Then, a small smile came to her face.  
  
"Hello," she said softly, standing up. She walked over to him and gave him a hug. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her before   
speaking.  
  
"Hi," he responded after a few moments. He frowned. "No luck?"  
  
Callista shook her head of brown hair and sighed. "No, no luck. It's elusive, Luke. And I'm being taunted still. The Dark Side is there,   
hovering in front of me, teasing me to join it, if only for a second, so that I can have my powers back. It's so tempting…"  
  
"What's the harm in joining for just a moment, Callie? Why can't you just enter the Dark Side and then…"  
  
"No!" she exclaimed, pushing away from him. "Luke, what made you say that? You know what the Dark Side can do; you've seen the   
destruction…"  
  
"But only for a minute…"  
  
She shook her head again, gray eyes blazing. She may not be able to touch the Force, but she could still feel her anger. "No Luke.   
Because a minute turns into an hour, turns into a day…you see where I'm going? 'Once you start down the dark path, forever will it   
dominate your destiny.' Yoda told you that Luke. Weren't you listening?"  
  
Luke turned his eyes towards the ground. She had put him in his place. He was a Jedi Master and knew better than to suggest that a   
student join the Dark Side. No matter who the student was.  
  
"You're right, Callie, I'm sorry," he whispered, kissing her on the forehead. "I just want you to be happy…"  
  
"Luke, I may have to find a new kind of happiness."  
  
****  
  
Walking the worn paths of the Yavin jungles, Callista inhaled the scents of nature. Trees and jungle planets had always fascinated her,   
as her own world was one big puddle. She smiled as a beam of sunlight fell on her face, breaking through the meters of foliage to warm   
her. Yavin was a beautiful planet, and Callista knew she could raise a family here.  
  
A family? She asked herself. You and Luke are focused on more important things.  
  
But she couldn't deny that she wanted that. Would the children have the Force, or would they suffer for her transgressions? She didn't   
think it really mattered. Ever since she was a young girl, she had wanted to be a mother, almost as much as she had wanted to be a Jedi.   
Now, in her soul's sixtieth year, she was neither.  
  
She could go out, fall in love with someone else, and start a family with him. Someone who wasn't Force sensitive, or wouldn't care   
that she wasn't. But even as the words rolled around in her mind, she knew she sounded ridiculous. Stop that, now you're going to be   
depressed, she reprimanded herself.   
  
Pressing all the thoughts out of her mind, she continued her walk and found herself by a small pond. Somehow, she always ended up by   
the water. Smiling, she looked into the water and saw millions of tiny fish, swimming peacefully. She remembered when using the   
Force had been described to her as being like swimming in water; you were nearly weightless, but it was dangerous. You had to make   
sure you didn't get lost, or too far away from the shore, the stable things in your life.  
  
There is nothing stable in my life, Callista admitted to herself. Even Luke, the never-faltering Jedi Master, often got lost in his   
passionate desire for her to find the Force again. And Callista knew that she was far from stable. She was trying to exist in a world   
she'd been separated from for thirty years, a world where the Force doesn't exist. It was daunting and set her off balance.   
  
She looked at the fish again. Home, she thought. Maybe I just need to be home.   
  
****  
  
Their trip had been something less than successful. This time, they had tried to go places where Callista had felt the Force the   
strongest rather than Luke, but it had done little good. The Dark Side was always there, always calling to her. And so many times, she   
almost gave into it, in hopes that she would find her way to the other side. But then she would look at Luke, and she couldn't do it. He  
was a Jedi Master and for his girlfriend to fall to the Dark Side, if only for a moment, would show poorly on him.  
  
Why are you always thinking about him? The question had plagued her for as many months as she had been off the Eye. Why can't you   
think about yourself and what you need?  
  
Because I don't need it, was always her response to that inner voice. I just want it. I want the Force. Maybe that's why the Dark Side is   
there; because I want it so bad, I would do anything for it. Well, almost anything.  
  
What wouldn't she do though? She wouldn't go to the Dark Side; that much was certain. And she wouldn't put anyone else in danger for   
it. But could you give up Luke?  
  
The thought hadn't occurred to her before. Now, as she stared at her Jedi Master in the middle of this Yavin IV night, she had to wonder   
if that was the key. Luke was a distraction to her; she wanted to make him happy, and so she tried very hard. But the thoughts of this   
being her punishment still plagued her. She could have one or the other, but not both.  
  
Or I must leave one to have the other. I could return, she surmised, sitting up in bed. But Luke would search me out…  
  
She could find a way to leave. Leave him a note, begging that he not try and contact her. This thought, painful as it was, felt right. Luke   
was trying so hard to help her; he had inadvertently become overbearing. She knew it was unintentional, that he did it out of love for   
her, but that didn't make it any more right.   
  
Her mind was playing with the idea when she felt something on her thigh. Looking down, she saw Luke's hand creeping playfully up her   
leg.  
"Oh, you're awake?" she asked, looking down at him.  
  
"Have been for awhile," he said, sitting up next to her. "You're thinking about something."  
  
She shook her head. She hated to lie to him, but…"Nothing, Luke. Not important."  
  
"But you can't sleep," he pressed.   
  
"I was always an insomniac, Luke. The new body doesn't change the mind."  
  
Luke bit back his response and forced a smile instead. He didn't want to bring up such a painful subject, even though he knew she was   
thinking about it all the time. He hated to bring her any kind of discomfort.  
  
Instead, he began kissing down her shoulder. "Well, I'll put you to sleep if you'll let me."  
  
She grinned. "Gladly."  
  
****  
  
Callista stood in front of the mirror, regarding herself closely. She had lost a considerable amount of weight since she had begun her journey back to the Force. Her eyes had refused to sparkle in months; she felt old. Luke hadn't said anything about the change in her   
appearance, but she knew he saw it. He would still come to her every night, however, with open arms and a willing heart.  
  
The former Jedi sighed and ran her fingers through her short hair. She wanted to give up the quest and just settle down for a normal   
life. Well, as normal a life as one can get being in love with a Jedi Master, she thought. She knew the difficulties of loving a Jedi   
Knight; to hold the affections of a Master was that much harder. She would do it though, if only she could convince Luke that she   
could live her life without the Force.  
  
He had been more stubborn than usual about it. He was pressing her very hard to find the Force within herself once again, asking her   
everyday about her progress, or waking her in the middle of the night because of some fantastical dream he'd had. But nothing was   
happening.  
  
And now…she sighed and rested her hand on her stomach. I didn't think it was possible. She and Luke hadn't even worried about it.   
They had been acting like teenagers for almost a year, and now they were being reminded of what happens when two thirty-year old   
adults get clumsy.  
  
No, you're being reminded. She couldn't tell Luke. His work was all consuming, and if she stayed, she knew she would never find the   
Force. She had to leave.   
  
Turning away from the mirror, Callista exited the room and started her way up the stairs of the temple to the roof. Halfway up she met   
the Jedi bard coming down.  
  
"Tionne," she said, smiling softly.  
  
"Callista, I was just looking for you," the younger woman said. "I want to ask you if you can help me with a song I'm writing."  
  
Callista held back a sigh. "I don't know if I can help, Tionne. My memory isn't what it used to be."  
  
Tionne shook her head. "Oh no, it's not about the Jedi…from before, I mean. I just want to ask you what Master Skywalker's favorite   
color is."  
Callista raised an eyebrow but chuckled. "Gray. I don't know why, but he really likes the color gray."  
  
Tionne smiled. "Thank you," she said and then went down the stairs.  
  
Still chuckling, Callista continued her ascent. When she opened the door at the top, she had to squint her eyes from the sharp midday   
rays of the gas giant. Walking carefully on the well-known path, she found her seat. It was a slightly over-sized rock that had been used   
to complete the temple when it was first created. Closing her eyes, Callista leaned back against the outer wall of the temple and began   
to breathe. She hoped that she would find courage in her meditations. The courage to say goodbye.  
  
****  
  
Rolling over in bed at the end of another sleepless night, Callista found that Luke wasn't next to her. He'd been distant lately; maybe he   
knew what was coming.  
  
Opening her eyes, she saw him poised in the center of the room, lightsabre ablaze.  
  
She sat up in bed slowly, but her eyes were wide. "Luke, what's going on?"  
  
The early morning light hit the floor in front of him, making a shadow that was extremely menacing and sent a shiver down her spine.   
He looked up slowly, his eyes fearful.  
  
"It's Daala," he said, turning away from her. "I wish I had another trained Jedi right now."  
  
The words stung Callista's soul. She knew he was angry with her for not trying hard enough, for not being there when he needed her.   
But she had tried her hardest, and she had been there through everything he had experienced since she'd met him. She closed her eyes,   
bringing her blanket up tight to her chest. She heard the door to their room open and then slam shut. She jumped but waited a few more   
moments before opening her eyes again.  
  
When she did, she was alone. More alone than she had been for the past year; more alone than when she was on the Eye. She realized   
that Luke was falling-falling away from her and towards the Dark Side. He had lost track of his purpose in the universe, and that was   
her fault. She would not let him fall again, certainly not on her account.  
  
But will he fall if you leave? Something asked inside of her, and she dismissed the thought after careful consideration. No, eventually  
he would understand. Whether it was the day that might never come, the day she got the Force back, or the day he saw his own eyes   
staring back at him inside the Praxeum, he would understand.   
  
That was it then. She had convinced herself of what she had to do. She swung her legs out of the bed and got dressed. Taking a final   
look in the mirror, she grabbed her lightsabre and headed out towards the docking bay.  



End file.
